Unrest, Fiscal Calamity Mark Tournament Officials Winter Meeting

Betty White Tapped to Keynote Fall Banquet

(Waikiki, Hawaii) – On the eve of their annual gala and silent auction, Henderson NCAA Tournament Officials wrapped up their winter work sessions and announced a series of official actions taken by its Board of Directors as they prepared for their upcoming annual tournament:

• Signed an exclusive five-year agreement with Vandelay Industries to produce the Tournament’s latex products.

• Renewed the Tournament’s controversial Senior Executive Golden Parachute incentive program, necessitating a 300% entry fee increase. “Ask not what your tournament can do for you…ask what you can do for your tournament,” said Henderson NCAA Tournament President, and 2014 Tournament Hall of Fame inductee Matthew Henderson, in making the announcement.

• Presented actress Jennifer Aniston with the Tournament’s annual Jimmy Valvano “Don’t give up…don’t ever give up” award following news of her latest divorce. “Third times the charm. Or the fourth. Frankly, we’ve lost count,” said a source identified only as “Pat” because he was not authorized to speak publicly on the matter.

• Adopted a resolution (2018-2) denouncing accusations of collusion with Russian President Vladimir Putin.

• Rescinded resolution 2018-2 at the request of Russian President Vladimir Putin. “He’s invested heavily in the Southwestern bracket already. We’re mindful of that,” said Senior Vice-President for Foreign Affairs and Oligarchy Promotions Jake Henderson.

• Announced that Grammy-award winner Betty White will address the Tournament’s annual Fall Banquet in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. “Obviously October is a ways off…we’ll be making a contingency plan,” said Dauphin County Regional Administrator Pat Henderson.

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