HBO’s Real Sports
(Pan to Bryant, senselessly scribbling on notepad)
Bryant Gumbel: We first met our next guest on the set of the Today Show. A self-renowned author, occasional commentator on FOX NEWS’s Studio B, world-class ski instructor and, according to her bio, a much sought after motivational speaker on the college basketball circuit. And that’s what brings us here today.
Carol, good morning
Carol: A pleasure.
BG: You look, if I may say, annoyed to see me.
Carol: I thought I was getting Deford. I got you. He’s like death incarnate. And what’s the deal with his mustache.
BG: Pardon?
Carol: Again with the ‘pardon’. Who says that? Why did James Brown really leave FOX?
BG: Let’s stay focused. Your last book – And Then There Were None – has been described as an unauthorized intimate look into the life of Lute Olsen’s ex-wives. Yet it didn’t do well. Your reaction?
Carol: You’re one to talk. Do you even look at your ratings? It’s doing well overseas.
BG: You write for a niche market, as they say?
Carol: So did the uni-bomber. Your point?
BG: In a recent talk you gave to the St. Louis Billikens, you claimed to have coined the phrase “winning isn’t everything – it’s the only thing”. Come now?
Carol: That’s good, isn’t it? I think that Majerus guy could stand to lose some weight.
BG: You’ve taken an unconventional, some would say controversial, position when talking to young college players. Encouraging them to get agents. Pursue ‘internships’ with favored program boosters. You like to dabble on the dark side?
Carol: And I thought this was a family program. You stay in touch with Williard?
BG: Your take on steroid use?
Carol: It was B-12.
BG: Not your own. Sports generally. You’ve called for an end to mandatory testing?
Carol: What’s the deal with you and Chris Collinsworth? How’d that “leave the Today Show” thing work out for you?
BG: So you watch my games?
Carol: Here’s a tip for you – you can’t PUNT if you don’t get it on 4th and 2.
BG: So the claws come out?
Carol: Boy, your brother got all the charm.
(Carol lunges across table; Gumbel lets out whimper, screen goes blank)