Outrage Ensues: Henderson NCAA Tournament Not Implicated in FBI Investigation

(Waikiki, Hawaii) – Henderson NCAA Tournament President Matt Henderson reacted with anger and outrage upon learning that the FBI investigation which recently rocked NCAA basketball failed to implicate the Henderson NCAA Tournament.

“Clearly, they have no idea what we’ve been up to,” said Henderson, addressing the assembled media on the beach outside of Trump International Hotel. Henderson and other senior executives were in the midst of the Henderson NCAA Tournament annual winter meetings when news of the scandal and investigation broke. The winter meeting is scheduled to conclude Saturday with the annual gala and silent charity auction. Proceeds benefit the Henderson Senior Executive Retirement Fund.

“We don’t have time for their mickey mouse stuff,” said Senior FBI Special Agent Gus Guberstein. “The expensive junkets, the syphoning off of a little bit of the proceeds for a slush fund, street-grade performance-enhancers – it’s all a bit silly. Let us know when you’re up for the big time.”

“We’ve sat with Ghaddaffi. We’ve sat with Kim Jon-Un. We’ve sat with Bieber,” said Director of Advertising and Overseas Marketing Anthony K. Lisi, referencing now-severed promotional agreements with three foreign and domestic dictators. Lisi noted that the FBI previously expressed interest in the arrangement with the Libyan dictator, referred to as “Too Tall” Ghaddafi on wiretaps, but ultimately declined prosecution. He cited the pilfering of the Hawaii Tsunami Relief Fund as one of the organization’s most notable scandals.

In response to today’s non-announcement, Henderson NCAA Tournament senior executives pledged to redouble their efforts at fiscal impropriety, corporate collusion, and general shenanigans. “Frankly, our athlete-students are counting on it,” said an unnamed source close to the non-investigation. “They ain’t seen nothing yet.”