Indictments, Arrests  Loom Large Over Tournament

Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman Honored

(Butte, Montana) – Unease and unrest permeated the atmosphere as Henderson NCAA Tournament officials gathered for their most recent annual gala and silent auction at the Seven Gables Resort outside of Butte, Montana. Prior to the evening’s celebrations, officials announced a series of actions adopted by its Board of Directors.

  • Pledged full cooperation with the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of Vermont concerning recently-issued subpoenas into the Tournament’s finances. “We invite this review and re-dedicate ourselves to transparency in all that we do,” said the Tournament’s Senior Vice President for Transparency, Records Policy Retention and Eastern Europe Player Development, who when asked to identify himself said, “Anthony will suffice. For now.”
  • Approved an emergency procurement purchase order for three Boxis AF300 AutoShred commercial shredding machines.
  • Tabled a resolution for further study by member delegate Carmine A. Camillo (Green Party – Erie) to convert the Tournament’s sponsorship of Mile Marker 281 along the Canadian-North Dakota border into a wall. “They’re there. And they’re coming,” a clearly frustrated Camillo said of the Canadians.
  • Honored Hollywood stars Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman with the Tournament’s  prestigious “Lifetime Achievement Award” for their commitment to creative athlete-student financing. “We either innovate…or we stagnate,” said Tournament President Matthew Henderson, himself a prior recipient of the Award.
  • Converted the Tournament’s lifetime contract engagement with spokesperson Wilford Brimley to include “or the age of 120, whichever occurs first.” “We must mitigate our outward year’s financial exposure relative to the risks posed by Mr. Brimley’s lack of health challenges,” said Vice President for Finances, Administration and Northern Border Security Patrick Henderson.
  • Extended Henderson NCAA Tournament President Matthew Henderson’s contract to a “lifetime contract” and included a two times inflation compensation escalator amendatory clause in the contract. “Recent financial actions taken by the Board relative to Mr. Brimley, coupled with the termination of Betty White, have provided us the financial flexibility to make this happen,” said the Tournament’s Vice President for Finances, Administration and Northern Border Security, who declined to be identified.
  • Nearly 48 hours later, issued a clarifying statement that the Board’s “termination of Betty White” was a reference to Ms. White’s contract. “We regret the consternation we have caused Ms. White’s fans, as well as our own Employee Benefits Office,” said Tournament Lifetime President and past recipient of the Henderson NCAA Tournament Lifetime Achievement Award Matthew Henderson.

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