Officials Refuse Comment on Exempting Themselves from Requirements
(Somewhere outside Saginaw, Michigan) – Henderson NCAA Tournament Officials today announced a suite of mandatory requirements for participants of this year’s Tournament, just days before viewing of basketball games was scheduled to commence.
“We care about your health and safety. Perhaps more than even you do,” said Henderson NCAA Tournament President Matt Henderson, who alongside Tournament Director of Infectious Diseases and Overseas Promotion Patrick Henderson, recently returned from a tournament planning session in Cancun, Mexico.
Among the more controversial measures, participants are required to wear a mask at all times while viewing Tournament television broadcasts. Participants must also maintain at least a six-feet distance from their television screen. Watch parties are limited to no more than 200% of living room capacity, and attendees are encouraged to report protocol violations by their fellow participants on the Tournament’s toll-free hotline at 1-877-FAUCI.
Tournament officials also announced that they have entered into an exclusive agreement with Producto de Mexico to be the official hand sanitizer of the Henderson NCAA Tournament, while dismissing concerns that unregulated hand gels popular in Mexico may contain toxic levels of chemicals. “We know nothing about that,” said Tournament President Henderson, who is widely rumored to only use American-made Purell products.